The Fight – A Tudor Spoof

Nov11,2011 #spoof
The Boleyns watching the fight

Our anonymous spoof writer has just sent me this spoof after being inspired by some of the Team Anne Boleyn versus Team Catherine of Aragon stuff that has been going on online recently.

It is a bizarre world and I find it staggering that these Tudor queens are often used as an excuse for aggression and very inappropriate behaviour. Thank you to all The Anne Boleyn Files visitors who are normal, friendly people, if not a little obsessed with Tudor history, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Now here’s some very tongue-in-cheek fun to brighten up your frantic Friday.

Remember, it’s just a spoof… no Tudor queen was harmed in the writing of this and full respect is given.

The Fight

Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn and Jane Seymour faced each other across the ring. Every other member of the court was taking bets on them. Anne was evens, Jane was just behind but poor Catherine was only running at 50-1.

Thomas Cranmer was very uncomfortable. “But I quite like all of them.”
Everyone else stared at him. “How can you like all of them you weirdo? It’s like liking pears, apples and plums,” said Norfolk.
Everyone looked a bit sheepish at that because most of them realised they liked pears, apples and plums. They all turned back to the three spandex clad women in the ring.

Anne ‘the Lutheran Bull’ Boleyn raised her fists in readiness. Catherine ‘the Catholic Matador’ of Aragon did likewise.
“I’m in the mood for a bull fight,” snarled Catherine, “you’re going down, Boleyn.”
Anne Boleyn circled her enemy. “In your dreams, Kate.”
Jane ‘the Wolf Hall Wonder’ Seymour went to join in, her lips curled back in a grimace.
Catherine turned on her. “Wait your turn, Wolfy, this one’s mine.”
Jane backed down while pacing the edge of the ring like a caged….wolf.
The Lutheran Bull was the first to strike.

Thomas Cromwell, in the commentary box, drew in his breath, “and the Lutheran Bull hits the Catholic Matador just below the jaw line. The Matador recovers well and aims for the Bull’s midriff. It must be said ladies and gentlemen that age and weight are against the Matador who has seen better days. SHE MISSES! The Bull moves in and takes advantage with a few body blows.”

The crowd’s money was on the Bull as Anne landed some well placed punches.

Cromwell nearly exploded, “the Wolf Hall Wonder has entered the ring! Ladies and gentlemen this is unprecedented. The Wolf has the Bull round the legs and has grappled her to the ground. I DON’T BELIEVE IT! The Matador has thrown herself on top of them. The three of them are wrestling in the middle of the ring. This is unbelievable.”

As the crowd watched the spectacle with open mouths the women changed tack.
“My father’s better than your father,” Catherine yelled at Anne.
“No he isn’t,” Anne yelled back, “your father smells of fish and anyway, my father has a bigger carriage than your father.”
Jane joined in. ” My brothers are better than your brother,” she spat at Anne.
Anne’s face contorted. “Right, that’s it, you’re dead meat, Wolfy. My brother could beat both your brothers and your friends single handedly with one arm tied behind his back!”

George Boleyn, who was Anne’s manager for the fight, and until then had been concerned that his sister’s gum shield may have fallen out, really wished she would shut up. Thomas and Edward Seymour, Francis Bryan and Nicholas Carew all looked at him and made ‘come on then’ signs at him. George smiled at them and gave a cheery wave before entering the ring and shoving the gum shield back into Anne’s mouth with rather more vigour than he had intended. Anne nearly choked, but regained her composure.

Thomas Boleyn was nearly beside himself. “Sock it to her Anne! Don’t let a Seymour get the better of you. Go for her jugular.”
Anne ‘the Bull’ Boleyn grabbed Jane ‘the Wolf’ Seymour by the throat at exactly the same time as Jane grabbed Catherine ‘the Matador’ by the nose and Catherine grabbed Anne by the ear.
“Ouch”, said all three women at once as they sat in a triangle wincing and glaring at one another.
“Led go of by dose,” Catherine wailed at Jane.
“Only if she lets go of my throat”, croaked Jane.
George Boleyn stepped up to the plate. “I think it would be an absolutely marvellous idea if you all let go on a count of three… one, two, three.”
The ladies all let go and stared expectantly at Henry. All three said at the same time, “choose!”
Henry looked at them all in horror, ” I can’t choose to spend my days with one of you hellcats.”
He gazed lovingly at Mark Smeaton before taking his hand, ” Mark has promised to teach me how to fiddle. We’re off to Gretna Green. Don’t wait up.”

The End

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15 thoughts on “The Fight – A Tudor Spoof”
  1. Thank you for making me laugh today! I needed that! Too funny and I love the names! Now I’m going to want more spoofs!

  2. Ha! Nice work. A group of us on Facebook came up with some Rules for Anne Boleyn Badfic a few years ago. The last para of this piece reminded me of Rule 5:

    5. As every modern Tudor-era novel must include the preferred 16th century slash pairing/s du jour, George Boleyn, in addition to his womanising, must have a red-hot affair with:
    a) Mark Smeaton;
    b) Francis Weston; or
    c) Both (bonus points if it’s both _at the same time_).
    d)Triple bonus points and a Romance Writers’ Association Award if you get George into bed with Henry VIII.

    I think I will now have to add (e) – quadruple bonus points and 100 instant five star Amazon reviews if you get MARK into bed with Henry VIII.

  3. Another great spoof..well done who ever you are.
    can I ask, where as all this ‘bad’ behaviour gone on, I don’t see any evidence of it on here, the odd heated debate, and difference of opinion sometimes, but isn’t that what its all about. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree, we can’t all think the same, how boring would that be. I am sure Anne and Katherine would not approve of such rude exchanges in their name. It’s ok to have a favourite, but dont let it cloud your perspective. Anne has always been mine, but I can also see Katherine’s plight and feel for her, the other 4 too.
    Though Anne is my favourite I do not see her through rose-tinted glasses , I should think she was hard work and a right handful at times, and unpleasent she would have been prone to moods just like us all, got out of bed the wrong side, hormonal, stressed and schemed etc. no one is perfect, we have to remember that a lot of the 6 Queens’ behaviour was prevoked by the situation they had been put in, and much of that was instigated by the King. And as bad as he turned to be he is also a favourite of mine too, there is more to him that a serial Husband, tyrant and spouse murderer, a better side that is so often forgotten
    It is such a shame when people that share an interest turn it into a private battle ground, it ruins it for others.

    1. Hi Dawn,
      It wasn’t a heated debate and it wasn’t on here. I welcome debate and don’t expect everyone to agree but I suffered some awful hatred and bullying online last week on Facebook. I’ve had a ‘troll’ for the past year who pops up whenever I have the ‘nerve’ to write about Catherine of Aragon. This person launches an attack on me because I defend the homewrecker Anne Boleyn and she gets rather offensive and personal. The same person also feels that I have completely destroyed Alison Weir’s reputation by disagreeing with her on my site and was getting very nasty on a Facebook group last week, so much so that I left the group and the group was swamped with complaints and had to ban the person in the end. It wasn’t a disagreement it was bullying and was very upsetting. I respect and admire all of Henry’s wives but I don’t see why I should be attacked in such an offensive manner in a public forum just because I run an Anne Boleyn page and because I disagree with Alison Weir. It was horrible and I don’t want another week like last one, I spent a good deal of it in tears.
      Anyway, I just thought I’d better explain it as only people who are on Facebook and members of the particular groups would have seen it. I really didn’t want to carry it over to The Anne Boleyn Files.

      1. Oh Claire how awful for you.
        I hope you didn’t think that I was criticising you in my comment, it was aimed at those who go too far in their postings and take any other view but their own as a personal insult. I know you welcome debate and respect different opinions, that is on of the great things about this site, I come on here to learn, relax and enjoy with like minded people, and that is what I get here with you all.
        As for destroying Ms. Weir’s reputation, what a ridiculous notion, you have never done that, questioned what she has written and her sources maybe, but haven’t we all, surely this is how we learn and move forward in knowledge.
        The person/s who bully and attack you in this manner are cowardly hiding behind their anonymity, and are threatened by your intellect, and the respect you gain from it.
        I don’t think I am speaking out of turn when I say that you have all our support, and hope you can forget this unpleasentness and put it behind you, but I can imagine how hurt you must feel.
        So dry those eyes, and chin up girl, you are doing a cracking job, and we are right behind you…
        Take care. x

        1. Don’t worry, I knew you weren’t criticising, I just wanted to explain what’s been going on. It was horrible and really got to me, I think more so because I’ve been a bit tired and run down recently so wasn’t my usual self. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement, when I find myself asking “why bother?” I always come on to The AB Files and read people’s comments. I won’t let a nasty few ruin it.

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