An Homage to Historical Fiction – A Boleyn Spoof

Posted By on March 25, 2011

As we have been discussing representations of Anne Boleyn and also discussing historical fiction recently, one Anne Boleyn Files visitor wrote the following spoof featuring Anne and her brother, George, and poking fun at some of what has been written about them or seen on TV. Please share your thoughts on it.

A Boleyn Spoof

Anne Boleyn Witch Spoof Portrait

George and Anne were having a nice cosy conversation about the best way to commit adultery without getting caught. George had just come up with the rather ludicrous suggestion that a lover could hide in a marmalade cupboard.

Anne glared at him, “George, I love you dearly, but that’s the most ridiculous suggestion since you advised me to lace Catherine of Aragon’s mead with poison. All it did was send her purple. Clearly the woman has the constitution of an ox.”

George looked chastened, “Well, to be fair, it worked a treat on Wolsey. Everybody blamed it on suicide.”

He took a deep breath, “Seriously though Anne, we’ve got to get you pregnant or else we’ll both be charged with treason and beheaded, because that’s the obvious conclusion to you failing to give the King a son.”

Anne sighed sadly, “Even though no queen consort has ever been executed before, I know you’re right, George. I can just feel it in my waters. Anyway, on a completely different topic, even though I love you and I know you’ll go straight to hell, how are you and Mark Smeaton getting on?”

George looked wistful, “Oh, very well indeed. He’s a lovely little fiddler. Jane doesn’t seem very keen on him though. Having said that, I don’t see very much of Jane nowadays. She seems to spend most of her time hiding behind doors. In fact, on two occasions I’ve accidentally bashed her in the face as I’ve gone to leave a room. Once she actually went spinning off into the privy.”

Anne frowned, “I can see a time when Jane will tell falsehoods about us to the King. Talking of which, George, how would you like to impregnate me?”

George’s face lit up, “Oh rather! I know I fancy Mark, but even so, I must say that suggestion appeals to me. That’s probably because I’m a sexual deviant.”

Anne looked at her brother lovingly. “Thank you, George. All you need do is pretend I’m Mark and we’ll be home and dry. It’s just that I thought if I’m to get pregnant by a third party then it may as well be you. To me that seems perfectly logical, because as you know, I’m not very bright.”

George nodded understandingly, “I know sis, but then neither of us are known for our charm, intelligence and sense. Having said that, everyone around here is a bit daft and forgetful too. Remember when you first came to court and had to introduce me to the King even though he had known me for eight years and played tennis with me regularly? As for me, I’m positively thick. Let’s face it, my favourite pastime is hitting Jane around and seeing if I can throw her down the stairs without breaking anything. You know, like vases and stuff. So of course I would like to give you a child. So what if it’s got two heads and a tail!”

Anne nodded, “In addition to being thick, we are very cruel. Remember when I stole our sister’s baby out of spite. I’m just thankful no one picked up on the fact I tried to sell him to Gypsies. Then there was the time you and I boiled that Priest. Oh, how we did laugh!”

George grinned, “I know you say some cruel things to the Princess Mary sometimes, but I nearly fell out of my puffed up sleeves when you went for her with that pick-axe.”

They both laughed with fond remembrances before Anne became serious. She looked thoughtful and scratched her nose with one of her many fingers. As he always did, George wondered how she didn’t poke an eye out.

“We will go to Hell and back for this baby, George,'”said Anne as she walked meaningfully towards a cupboard in the corner of the room. From it she removed a black pointy hat and placed it on her head.
‘GRYFFINDOR!’ shouted the hat.
“Oh, shut up,” said Anne crossly before starting to speak in a strange language which George thought might be Greek.

After she had stopped speaking, George looked at her in excitement, “Are you pregnant now?”

“No, of course not. What do you think this is, the Immaculate Conception or something? It’s to ensure that our baby only has the one head and that it is perfect in every way.”

George had a few reservations about that. Mainly because his sister’s eyes had turned bright red and she was breathing smoke from both nostrils.

Never one to be deterred, George held his sister in a passionate embrace before taking his leave of her to see if he could find Mark, Francis Weston or a Cocker Spaniel, he wasn’t bothered which. As he opened the door he heard a loud yelp and discovered his wife crumpled up on the floor with a door nob shaped bruise on her forehead. He raised his eyes to heaven, “Not again, Jane,” he said as he pulled her to her feet.

She swayed slightly before coming to her senses, “Spying is the only way I can find out what’s going on around here, because you never tell me anything, George. And while we’re on the subject of you deficiencies, I’ve been asking around and I now know why you’ve never made me pregnant. That’s not the way you’re supposed to do it, George!”

“Really!” said George looking bewildered while blushing frantically, “I didn’t know, honest.”

Jane folded her arms with a look of contempt on her face, “I have no idea why I married into your family.”

“Nor me.” George said mournfully.

She continued as if he hadn’t said anything, “Mary and Anne are both trollops who have disgraced two courts. You have serious sexual problems and should really see a councillor. Your father’s a pimp and your mother takes drugs.”

“Good grief,” said George, “I never knew mother was a drug addict.”

Jane nodded knowingly, “It’s in the next novel. It’s the power of the written word, George.”

“Ah,” said George in sudden understanding, “Is that why I’ve gone from being completely heterosexual to fancying Mark nearly overnight? And is that why you’ve gone from being a pretty young woman to looking like Richard III?”

Jane nodded, which was difficult for her bearing in mind the size of her hump.

“So really Anne’s not a witch, we aren’t going to have a demon baby, you aren’t evil incarnate, I can stop beating you up, father’s not a pimp, and mother isn’t going to become a drug addict. And best still, I can start fancying women again!”
George was very excited at the sudden understanding that they weren’t confined to the pages of a book.

Just then he spotted Mark Smeaton climbing into the marmalade cupboard. George smiled broadly, suddenly remembering with relief that he actually preferred honey.

43 thoughts on “An Homage to Historical Fiction – A Boleyn Spoof”

  1. Susan Higginbotham says:

    Love it!

    1. Claire says:

      Me too, it was just what I needed on a Friday!

  2. Anyanka says:

    To whom do I send the bill for a new keyboard??

    “She looked thoughtful and scratched her nose with one of her many fingers. As he always did, George wondered how she didn’t poke an eye out.”

    made me snort with laughter….

    1. Claire says:

      I know, my coffee went everywhere when I read it!

    2. Maggie says:

      I so enjoyed this! I shot coffee out of my nose (yikes!)

  3. Kayla says:

    Definitely sharing this. I laughed so hard!

  4. Jennifer says:

    HAHA!!! Perfect thing for a boring and LONG Friday afternoon!!!!!! 🙂 Great job!!! Would love to read more spoofs 😉

  5. Carrie says:

    That is hysterical! I nearly laughed off my chair! Especially loved the bit where they remember when Anne went after Mary with a pick-axe. Funny stuff! Write another one 🙂

  6. Shoshana says:

    I love it! Claire, maybe you should start a secion of fan fiction like some of the Harry Potter sites have where people can write short stories about Anne and the courtiers? I think that would be so much fun!

  7. Sharon says:

    Thanks I needed a good laugh today.
    “Heard a loud yelp and discovered his wife crumpled on the floor with a doorknob shaped bruise on her forhead. He raised his eyes toward heaven, “Not again Jane.” HA!HA!HA!

  8. DuchessofBrittany says:

    What a great way to end a Friday. Loved it. Thanks!

  9. Rachel says:

    Haha, brilliant work, Mystery Author!

    The only thing left out was the fact that Anne really was a vampire … 😉

    1. lisaannejane says:

      I like “Twilight” so Anne should come back as a beautiful vampire. That was great, reading all those ideas together made a good read. Thanks for making my Friday evening.

  10. This is brilliant!

    Claire, would you or the author mind if I linked to it from “Confessions of a Ci-Devant”?

    1. Claire says:

      It is funny isn’t it. I wouldn’t mind at all so that’s fine and I’m sure X won’t mind either.

  11. Kari says:

    *slow clap for the writer of that spoof*

    That is some comedy gold, right there. And it had a Harry Potter reference! HP and historical fiction, two of my favorite things in the world. *happy sigh*

    Also, this part…I can just feel it in my waters.”… made me laugh out loud — and I really do mean out loud! Lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. Well done. WELL DONE.

  12. Dawn says:

    Very funny and shows just how absurd the charges made against them were. Not to mention all the myths surrounding Anne’s appearance.

  13. Anyanka says:

    we are writing the Jerry Spinger episode that the Tudors appear in over at the forum.

    1. Claire says:

      Sounds brilliant! I actually woke up in the night thinking about what Henry VIII would be like on Jerry Springer!

  14. Chrystinamarie123 says:

    This is fantastic! I laughed my a** off! haha please write more!

  15. Ilda says:

    Ahaha !! Omg I Love it!

  16. Rachel says:

    “George smiled broadly, suddenly remembering with relief that he actually preferred honey …”

    “What a coincidence! So do we!” piped up Anne of Cleves and Katherine Howard, who just happened to be cavorting behind the bedhangings. “We’ve just been given a sexual orientation crisis too, so fancy joining us for some fun times? … Oh, whoops, we’re a few years too early. Never mind, as you were.”

    Claire and Mystery Author … just couldn’t resist! 😀

  17. Catherine says:

    hhah this story was GREAT do you mind if I steal it to my own webpage? 🙂

    1. Claire says:

      Hi Catherine,
      I’m glad you like it. I don’t mind you linking to it but cannot give you permission to use it on your webpage.

      1. Catherine says:

        Ok 🙂

  18. Catherine says:

    What a great story! do you mind if I steal it for my own web page or link toh this page? 😀

  19. Fiz says:

    Now that’s a piece of fiction I love!

  20. Valerie says:

    Love it! Really made me laugh out loud particularly the part where George says ‘I didn’t know mother was a drug addict’ and Jane says ‘It’s in the next novel’. Love the Harry Potter reference too!

  21. La Belle Creole says:

    LOL … OK, at first I admit I was prepared to be a real wet blanket about this. The incest charges against Anne and George stick in my craw more than any other accusation levied against the Boleyns.

    But I read the whole thing and I admit to giggling a lot. : )

    1. Claire says:

      I think when you read a spoof like this, you realise just how stupid those charges were. I love the bit:-
      “George’s face lit up, “Oh rather! I know I fancy Mark, but even so, I must say that suggestion appeals to me. That’s probably because I’m a sexual deviant.”

      Anne looked at her brother lovingly. “Thank you, George. All you need do is pretend I’m Mark and we’ll be home and dry. It’s just that I thought if I’m to get pregnant by a third party then it may as well be you. To me that seems perfectly logical, because as you know, I’m not very bright.”

      To think that Anne and George, who were both very strong in their faith, would even contemplate incest is, to me, ridiculous, and I’ve never agreed with Retha Warnicke’s view that all of the men were “libertines”.

      1. La Belle Creole says:

        Like most people, I am convinced all the charges against Anne were trumped-up garbage. I don’t know why the incest charge in particular offends me so much — it just seemed SO over the top — except Cromwell may have feared George’s intervention and objection to Anne’s arrest, trial, and execution. By involving George in the case, that threat was neutralized.

        I don’t believe it was religious conviction preventing Anne and George from committing incest. I believe they were siblings who honestly loved each other and maintained a close, affectionate friendship as adults. Perhaps that wasn’t usual in Tudor times, I don’t know.

  22. Riah says:

    OhMyGoodness! I adored this. I was laughing so loud in my class I’m sure people think to send me to the insane asylum now xD How exciting that should be! ;P This made my day so much better, it was going very badly after my first class and the rude ‘adults'(my ass) in the halls.

  23. Catherine says:

    “I know you say some cruel things to the Princess Mary sometimes, but I nearly fell out of my puffed up sleeves when you went for her with that pick-axe.”

    I nearly created a “human coffee – fountain” when I read that 😀

  24. Professor Hermione says:

    Oh, classic! It really is so much fun to work off indignation at the ridiculous portrayals of Anne and George by writing spoofs like this . . .

    Love (among many other things) the part where Anne scratches her nose with “one of her many fingers”!

  25. Courtney says:

    Loved It…that was a good chuckle….

  26. Beth says:

    Lol, thank you to whoever wrote this, I loved it!

  27. Emma says:

    Brillant. Are there any more of these planned ?

  28. Annefan says:

    I’ve only just found this – marvellous. I too loved the drug addict bit.

  29. Tessa says:

    Loved it loved it. I needed some snarky humor this morning, it’s the best way to feel better when you are sick! Thanks for posting!

    1. Claire says:

      Oh no, sorry you’re sick, Tessa x

  30. Wera says:

    This is AWESOME! Congrats to the writer!

  31. Gisela says:

    Whahaha, GRYFFINDOR!! LOVED IT! Even though I”m at my school right now, I nearly laughed myself off my chair!

  32. N Wilson says:

    I’m now trying to sort the main cast of “The Tudors” into their appropriate houses……

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