The Tudors Take Reality Television by Katherine Stinson

The Tudors Take Reality Television!

HOST

Welcome to the very first edition of Hanging Out With Henry! Ever wondered what the merry monarch was up to ever since he died? And what drama has he gotten into since then? Let’s find out!

Cut to HENRY VIII and CROMWELL, walking to a cafe.

HENRY VIII

I’m rather bored with being dead. There’s only so many times you can check your space book account.

THOMAS CROMWELL

Facebook milord.

HENRY VIII

That’s what I meant.

THOMAS CROMWELL

But of course.

HENRY VIII

(To camera) Crum here has set me up a blind date. Thinks I need a woman!

THOMAS CROMWELL

Don’t you miss bedding multiple women before breakfast?

HENRY VIII

I would never….

THOMAS CROMWELL

And having abs of steel and an lilting Irish accent?

HENRY VIII

THAT DOES IT! I’M CANCELING YOUR SHOWTIME SUBSCRIPTION!

THOMAS CROMWELL

That’s fine. I’ll just dig into my beheaded benefits.

HENRY VIII

Beheaded bene-what?

THOMAS CROMWELL

Every person beheaded un-justly under your reign received certain benefits upon their entrance into the afterlife.

HENRY VIII

Who in God’s name would start something so….

THOMAS MORE

Saintly?

HENRY VIII

MORE!

THOMAS MORE

Hello Harry.

HENRY VIII

( To camera) God’s blood! More defied me, even after death! But I was still glad to see him.

THOMAS MORE

I can hear everything you’re saying.

THOMAS CROMWELL

You’re supposed to do confessionals in a separate room.

HENRY VIII

WHO SIGNED ME UP FOR THIS DAMN SHOW ANYWAY?

THOMAS CROMWELL

It was either this or Ye Olde Bachelor.

HENRY VIII

Speaking of bachelors…WHERE’S MY DATE?

THOMAS CROMWELL

Right there.

HENRY VIII

What are you talking about? The only person I see is Francois.

THOMAS CROMWELL

Oh dear.

THOMAS MORE

Someone’s matchmaking skills haven’t improved!

KING FRANCOIS

Bonjour brother! Are you here for a date too?

HENRY VIII

Apparently.

THOMAS CROMWELL

(Nervously) Apparently you two are a perfect match?

THOMAS MORE

Thank heavens one can’t be beheaded twice!

KING FRANCOIS

I’m sure my perfect match could find a way! So Henry, where do you want to go on our first date?

HENRY VIII

WE’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!

KING FRANCOIS

That’s fine! I don’t mind us staying here!

HENRY VIII

THERE. IS. NO. US.

KING FRANCOIS

How rude! I thought what we had was special!

HENRY VIII

Special?

ARTHUR TUDOR

For what it’s worth, I think you two would make a beautiful couple.

HENRY VIII

WHO ASKED YOU?

ARTHUR TUDOR

Nobody you simpering sop.

HENRY VIII

I apologize for my outburst brother. I’d forgotten what you sounded like!

THOMAS CROMWELL

Did Henry just…..

THOMAS MORE

Apologize?

ARTHUR TUDOR

I feel special.

HENRY VIII

I’m not incapable of being humble! What are you doing here anyway Arthur?

ARTHUR TUDOR

Just checking in on my wittle brother to make sure he doesn’t get married again!

HENRY VIII

WHAT AM I, FIVE?

THOMAS CROMWELL

Why don’t we all just calm down and have some coffee?

THOMAS MORE

Smooth change of subject there!

KING FRANCOIS

I’ll take mine with french fries!

HENRY VIII

They’re called chips.

KING FRANCOIS

French fries.

ARTHUR TUDOR

Look at you two arguing like an old married couple!

HENRY VIII

THAT DOES IT! I QUIT! WHO NEEDS TO BE A REALITY SHOW STAR ANYWAY?

KING FRANCOIS

Does this mean we can’t split the bill?

ARTHUR TUDOR

I’ll pay for you Francois.

THOMAS MORE

I’ll pay for them too, as long as you let me eat some!

HENRY VIII

TRAITORS! THE LOT OF YOU!

THOMAS CROMWELL

(Whispering to camera) Perhaps this would be a good time to promote my spin-off show, Keeping Up with the Kromwells!

HOST

Erm…well…..join us next time for our NEWEST show, Keeping Up with the Kromwells! Will Cromwell get his new fledgling coffee shop up and running? And how will he handle running into old enemies? Here’s a sneak preview!

THOMAS CROMWELL

Oh, it’s so nice to finally see Cromwell Coffees ready for business!

THOMAS BOLEYN

Savor the feeling Cromwell, it won’t last for long!

THOMAS CROMWELL

Boleyn! What do you mean?

THOMAS BOLEYN

Check the sign of the store next to yours!

THOMAS CROMWELL

Boleyn Brews….AND Bagels?

THOMAS BOLEYN

May the best man win!

HOST

Check out Keeping Up with the Kromwells, saturdays at nine! Check your local listings! Please?

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1 thought on “The Tudors Take Reality Television by Katherine Stinson”

  1. Dawn 1st says:

    Already checked the listings Katherine, I’ve put it record, hope ‘Keeping up with the Kromwells’ is as funny as this…. 🙂

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