The Tudors Take Reality Television by Katherine Stinson
The Tudors Take Reality Television!
HOST
Welcome to the very first edition of Hanging Out With Henry! Ever wondered what the merry monarch was up to ever since he died? And what drama has he gotten into since then? Let’s find out!
Cut to HENRY VIII and CROMWELL, walking to a cafe.
HENRY VIII
I’m rather bored with being dead. There’s only so many times you can check your space book account.
Facebook milord.
HENRY VIII
That’s what I meant.
THOMAS CROMWELL
But of course.
HENRY VIII
(To camera) Crum here has set me up a blind date. Thinks I need a woman!
THOMAS CROMWELL
Don’t you miss bedding multiple women before breakfast?
HENRY VIII
I would never….
THOMAS CROMWELL
And having abs of steel and an lilting Irish accent?
HENRY VIII
THAT DOES IT! I’M CANCELING YOUR SHOWTIME SUBSCRIPTION!
THOMAS CROMWELL
That’s fine. I’ll just dig into my beheaded benefits.
HENRY VIII
Beheaded bene-what?
THOMAS CROMWELL
Every person beheaded un-justly under your reign received certain benefits upon their entrance into the afterlife.
HENRY VIII
Who in God’s name would start something so….
Saintly?
HENRY VIII
MORE!
THOMAS MORE
Hello Harry.
HENRY VIII
( To camera) God’s blood! More defied me, even after death! But I was still glad to see him.
THOMAS MORE
I can hear everything you’re saying.
THOMAS CROMWELL
You’re supposed to do confessionals in a separate room.
HENRY VIII
WHO SIGNED ME UP FOR THIS DAMN SHOW ANYWAY?
THOMAS CROMWELL
It was either this or Ye Olde Bachelor.
HENRY VIII
Speaking of bachelors…WHERE’S MY DATE?
THOMAS CROMWELL
Right there.
HENRY VIII
What are you talking about? The only person I see is Francois.
THOMAS CROMWELL
Oh dear.
THOMAS MORE
Someone’s matchmaking skills haven’t improved!
KING FRANCOIS
Bonjour brother! Are you here for a date too?
HENRY VIII
Apparently.
THOMAS CROMWELL
(Nervously) Apparently you two are a perfect match?
THOMAS MORE
Thank heavens one can’t be beheaded twice!
KING FRANCOIS
I’m sure my perfect match could find a way! So Henry, where do you want to go on our first date?
HENRY VIII
WE’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!
KING FRANCOIS
That’s fine! I don’t mind us staying here!
HENRY VIII
THERE. IS. NO. US.
KING FRANCOIS
How rude! I thought what we had was special!
HENRY VIII
Special?
For what it’s worth, I think you two would make a beautiful couple.
HENRY VIII
WHO ASKED YOU?
ARTHUR TUDOR
Nobody you simpering sop.
HENRY VIII
I apologize for my outburst brother. I’d forgotten what you sounded like!
THOMAS CROMWELL
Did Henry just…..
THOMAS MORE
Apologize?
ARTHUR TUDOR
I feel special.
HENRY VIII
I’m not incapable of being humble! What are you doing here anyway Arthur?
ARTHUR TUDOR
Just checking in on my wittle brother to make sure he doesn’t get married again!
HENRY VIII
WHAT AM I, FIVE?
THOMAS CROMWELL
Why don’t we all just calm down and have some coffee?
THOMAS MORE
Smooth change of subject there!
KING FRANCOIS
I’ll take mine with french fries!
HENRY VIII
They’re called chips.
KING FRANCOIS
French fries.
ARTHUR TUDOR
Look at you two arguing like an old married couple!
HENRY VIII
THAT DOES IT! I QUIT! WHO NEEDS TO BE A REALITY SHOW STAR ANYWAY?
KING FRANCOIS
Does this mean we can’t split the bill?
ARTHUR TUDOR
I’ll pay for you Francois.
THOMAS MORE
I’ll pay for them too, as long as you let me eat some!
HENRY VIII
TRAITORS! THE LOT OF YOU!
THOMAS CROMWELL
(Whispering to camera) Perhaps this would be a good time to promote my spin-off show, Keeping Up with the Kromwells!
HOST
Erm…well…..join us next time for our NEWEST show, Keeping Up with the Kromwells! Will Cromwell get his new fledgling coffee shop up and running? And how will he handle running into old enemies? Here’s a sneak preview!
THOMAS CROMWELL
Oh, it’s so nice to finally see Cromwell Coffees ready for business!
Savor the feeling Cromwell, it won’t last for long!
THOMAS CROMWELL
Boleyn! What do you mean?
THOMAS BOLEYN
Check the sign of the store next to yours!
THOMAS CROMWELL
Boleyn Brews….AND Bagels?
THOMAS BOLEYN
May the best man win!
HOST
Check out Keeping Up with the Kromwells, saturdays at nine! Check your local listings! Please?