Ye Ole Bachelor by Tiffany Jansen

Announcer: This season on Ye Ole Bachelor…

[Camera picks up an aerial shot of Windsor castle before fading in to a still of a rotund Henry VIII]

Henry: [voice over]There are some absolutely incredible women. Narrowing it down to one is going to be one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do.

[Camera fades to a shot of Jane Seymour and Henry out for a ride, Henry’s horse sagging somewhat in the middle with the weight of its rider.]

Jane: [voice over] Being with Henry just brings things out in me that I never knew where there.

Katherine H: [reaction shot] He buys me all these pretty things. And I just look so pretty, and – [Henry appears beside her, proffering an obscenely bejeweled necklace] ooh, pretty!

Henry: [voice over] I’m having feelings I never thought I’d have again. I’m in love. It’s just too good to be true.

Jane: [reaction shot] But when Henry’s not around, the you-know-what starts to hit the fan, if you know what I mean.

Anne C: It’s like an unspoken wule: vhenever you get a group of wimin togedah, de claws, dey come out, ja?

[Pan in on five extravagantly dressed ladies, sitting in the ladies chamber]

Katherine A: You shouldn’t even be here. The man is my husband. This whole fiasco just make me want to punch through a wall!

Anne B: You self-righteous biotch, you make me sick. If you aren’t woman enough to satisfy your husband, that’s not our problem.

Katherine A: Oh, so that fact that I don’t feel the need to hump everything that moves means I’m not woman enough?

Anne B: How dare you say that to me? Who the BEEP do you think you are?

Anne C: Leddehs, I am sinkink maybe vee shut calm down just a leeduhl, ja?

Jane: That’s easy for you to say. You may not care what happens, Anna, but some of us here are in it to win.

Anna C: Hiss Majesty und ich lay viss each udduh every night! Vat weason do I have to vorry about you, ja?

[Katherine A involuntarily spits out her wine, Jane feigns being offended. Katherine H is preoccupied with a book whose cover we cannot see, oblivious to what is going on around her]

Anne C: Ja, dis is twoo. De king is coming to my woom every night. He lays beside me, says, “mine liebeling, I vill make love to you.” Then he roll over. Vhen I hear noise like pig rooting for truffles, I know he is finished having de love-makings viss me.

Anne B: [reaction shot] Sometimes I just want to smack the stupid out of her. I bet she’s not even interested in men.

Announcer: But none of them could have anticipated this…

[The bachelorettes are all sitting in the ladies chamber. Camera pans in on the hem of an elaborately trimmed, silk dress. The camera slowly travels up. And up. And up. And up. And up.]

[Camera flips back to the ladies in the chamber]

Announcer: [in a hushed voice to Katherine H] Katherine, get your hand out from under your skirt. We’re live!

[Katherine flushes crimson as she closes her legs, readjusts her skirts and puts down her copy of Fifty Shades of Francis Dereham]

Katherine A: Who is she? Who the BLEEP is that?

Jane: Why is she here? Why are you here?

Katherine: [finally entering the room] I’m also here to date Hanky.

Anne B: [reaction shot] Hanky? Who the BLEEP does she think she is??

Katherine P: [reaction shot] [with a coy smile curling her lips] A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

[Close up of Katherine A and Anne B sobbing in each other’s arms.]

Katherine H: [reaction shot] [Puzzled] Um… I don’t really get it.

Katherine P: [voice over] Game over, ladies.


[Fade in on Henry]

Henry: [reaction shot] This is a person I could spend the rest of my – oh wait, who am I kidding? I can’t just pick one. I think I’ll just marry them all, one at a time, disposing of them when I’m finished. Yeah.

[As the camera pans out, we glimpse what appear to be Katherine H. and Thomas Culpepper, who seem to be – oh! Oh my!]