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2:20 pm
April 11, 2011
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Hello everyone. Apologies in advance for any spelling errors, I’m just writing this as I go. Just to let you all know that my Mother collapsed on Monday night. It happened the same as in February, this time there will be no happy ending. The ambulance took 10 minutes to arrive so I had to perform CPR myself for that time. they then took another 10 minutes to resussatate her. She’s never regained consciousness and they will not resussatate her again. I’ve spent the last 48 hours with her in the hope that she can hear me. She has no reflex funtion although her pupils do react to light. She is receiving pallative care in a single room waiting for the end. I haven’t sleept or eaten during this time. My thoughts are very black. I cannot imagine life without her, am unable to control my tears and do not want to come back to an empty house every night when this is over. I know this will sound silly, indefensible and selfish, but I cannot see life without her and have no wish to continue living if this is all the future holds. The nurses at the hospital arranged for me to see the chaplain and have insisted, given the way I am, on me seeing a doctor this afternoon myself (my own GP was available), hence the time for this message as I wait, but I know I need to be back up at the hospital as soon as. Mother was convinced she was ill around 6 weeks back, I took her to A&E and they did a full range of tests and found nothing. Indeed, I was the one that collapsed and had to be treated and I’ve been a wreck since tryng to prepare, hoping for the best , but fearing the worst. She aked me to take her to the doctor last Wednesday (same as mine) and he found nothing and gave her an anti-anxiety medication. over the weekend she became a bit of a nightmare developing a very unbalanced and confused thinking. She couldn’t remember how to do simple things and thought wrong was right, etc. I’m afraid before her collapse I did lose patience on a few occassions and said many things I regret. She kept aking me if she was going to die and I kept saying of course not, you just need a higher dosage of tablet to make you less anxious, so she said on my head be it if something happened without taking her to the hospital. I made many promises to God in February and tried my best to keep them but soon resorted to old habits. I allowed her to do too much and in the end I believe this must have hastened her end which is said to come in the next 24 or perhaps 48 hours. I cannot say goodbye now except to a motionless body. I did get the chance to say these things in February but I should have done so much more for her. I know I have probably been off with some people of late and this is no excuse, but I hope it at least explains it. I am managing to write this without being too hysterical but I know when I set off for the doctors (10 minutes) I shall break down uncontrollably as I shall remember going with her to the same place last Wednesday.
I’m sorry to have burdened you all with this, but as I have no other family or relations living you guys got lumberred. I’m taking this laptop with me to the hospital so will log in again sometime to try and distract myself and remain sane. I do not really fancy my chances however and have even looked up suicide sites (yes, I know how that sounds but I really do see no hope for the future.
Thank you and sorry for such a depressing post for you all to read.
4:39 pm
October 28, 2011
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Neil, please, you’re no burden. Everyone is here for you. You’re not entirely alone, we may not be in your physical presence but we’re still here.
You need to stop blaming yourself. We all say things we regret to our loved ones, it is especially hard to remain patient with your parents as they are getting older and are ill. My Mother is always ill with some ailment or the other and doesn’t have a good pain threshold and I get very impatient with her. We all regret the things we say, but they are loved ones and they always easily forgive. You could not have hastened her end, she has been ill of late and if it’s time, then it’s time. I’m not trying to sound heartless but you cannot possibly blame yourself for her illness. It’s not going to do you any good either.
Don’t think she can’t hear you because she’s unconscious. I have been through this myself, with people up until the last moment before death and while the body is not reacting I know the mind is. If you have time to say goodbye, then say it. She will hear you. If there is no time then she will hear you from somewhere else.
Ask to see a counsellor at the hospital please, before you go home. You need to clam yourself and not do anything rash. If you have to go home then you don’t need to be alone, just hop on the computer and someone will be here.
10:27 pm
April 11, 2011
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Mother passed away this evening. I was at least there for her last breath and hope that she could hear me until the end.
10:50 pm
October 28, 2011
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I’m so sorry for your loss Neil. I am sure she heard every word.
12:29 am
November 18, 2010
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Sorry to hear about your mother. But I’m glad you were there for her at the end.
You will be in my thoughts.
It's always bunnies.
9:37 am
February 16, 2009
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Neil, I am so very sorry for your loss and I just want you to know that we all care and we’re all here for you. Please don’t beat yourself up about things you’ve said or not said. Speaking as a mother, I know that my children love me whatever rash things they may say or do and your mother would have understood. You were there for her and you loved each other, that’s what matters.
Grief is so hard to deal with so do make sure that you get support from your doctor and a counsellor, that’s what they’re there for.
So sorry.
Debunking the myths about Anne Boleyn
9:46 am
December 5, 2009
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I’m sorry to hear about your mother, Neil.
11:57 am
January 3, 2012
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Neil I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. We are here for you sweetheart, you aren’t on your own.
Your mother was a courageous, loving woman and she will always be remembered.
Semper Fidelis, quod sum quod
3:59 pm
June 7, 2010
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I am sorry to hear of your mother’s passing. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
"By daily proof you shall find me to be to you both loving and kind" Anne Boleyn
6:15 pm
February 24, 2010
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Neil,
My deepest sympathy for your loss. It is good to hear you were with her. She wasn’t alone, and I’m sure she knew you were there. Never forget we are always here for you. You are not a burden to us. You are a friend.
8:23 am
April 11, 2011
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Thank you all.
I somehow got through the first night and seemed to cope yesterday. I think I was just in shock and last night was worse than the first, today I feel awful and unable to cope, I’m not sure I even want to. My poor dog keeps looking for the real master and seems in as bad a way as me. She’s getting old as isn’t in great health.
I know many, many people get throgh far worse than this and i feel very weak in being such a mess. I had to bury my father and step-father many years ago, which was tough but doesn’t feel like 1% of the devestation i feel now. Then there was always someone else still there, now there isn’t and i don’t think I’m strong enough to do this on my own. There was even a tame seagull that would wait outside our door to be fed by us, which we did every day. Since we’ve been up at the hospital for most of 3 days it seems to have vanished. It’s stupid i know but even this makes me burst into tears.
I’m sorry for putting all this on this site, it’s a history site, not a bereavement forum, but i didn’t know where elst to put my thoughts today.
Thank you all for endulging me, but I’ll stop now before i ruin the keyboard as i’m still sensible enough th know it shouldnt get wet.
8:53 am
February 16, 2009
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Don’t apologise for sharing this with us, Neil, as this is so much more than a history website and I know many people have made good friends through it.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and you’re not weak, you’re coping with a devastating loss without someone to lean on. Are you going to see a counsellor? I’m sure there will be grief counselling services in your area or even a helpline you can ring to just talk and share your feelings.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Debunking the myths about Anne Boleyn
5:37 am
November 18, 2010
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{{{{Hugs}}}} Neil..sometimes the best friends you have, you meet though a shared passion.
Sooner or later the massive loss you feel will subside and you will start to remember the good things you shared with your mother and those in turn will ease any remaining sorrow. You will never forget her but the good memories will gradually soothe you and refresh your spirit.
Take care of yourself and if you have support from outside be it a clergyman or counsellor or just a very good friend, please avail yourself of thier support.
It's always bunnies.
11:48 am
February 16, 2009
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Neil,
Can you just check in and let us know how you’re doing? We all care about you x
Debunking the myths about Anne Boleyn
12:37 pm
January 3, 2012
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Yeah I second that one myself Claire. I have emailed him recently myself. I feel so sorry for him, it’s times like this that I just want to hold him tight and let him cry, or rant and rave or whatever he wants to do if it will help him.
The death of a loved one is sometimes so hard to take and greif affects everyone in different ways. There is an elderly Gent who I try to visit at least once a week just for an hour or so, who lost his wife a few years ago and he likes to talk about her with me, although he has family they are reluctant to listen to him talking about her, so I think it helps him, just to talk and perhaps have a weep now and again.
So Neil remember you aren’t on your own sweetheart we all love you and I’m more than happy try and help you if I can. If you want to yell at someone then go ahead yell at me. If you just want to talk about your memories of your mother then go right ahead I’ll listen. If you need a shoulder to cry on I’ve got 2 fairly broad ones for you to cry on. You don’t have to face this on your own.
Semper Fidelis, quod sum quod
7:55 pm
April 11, 2011
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Thank you all for your concerns.
Please don’t worry, I’m still here and managing to muddle through day by day. Dealing with all the practical problems that death brings has kept me busy, which is probably a good thing, although some officials have been a nightmare. The funeral was held on my birthday and I believe I organised the service that my Mother would have wanted.
I must apologise for being so weak and pathetic earlier. I’ve been through enough in my lifetime which should have enabled me to deal with things better than I did. I suppose writing how I felt at that time must have helped in a strange way, but I do apologise for causing any alarm to you. As I said, I should have coped in a better fashion than I did.
Anyway, I’m still standing, the last of my line, so I guess that’s one thing I’ve got in common with Elizabeth!
Come 2013 I hope to get back into things more fully (I don’t pretend it will be easy), so be prepared for some more of my arguments and my stands for historical fiction (just when you thought it was safe!).
Once again, thank you all and I look forward to our future debates in 2013.
6:40 am
April 9, 2011
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Great to hear from you Neil. Please don’t apologise for your earlier ‘behaviour’, as you said it seems writing it down helped you through the process, so that means it was worthwhile and does not require an apology. And I’m sure your Mum was very happy with the service you organised and was beaming down on you on the day proud of your efforts.And I look forward to more of your thoughts in our lively discussions.
2:17 pm
January 3, 2012
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Neil Kemp said
Thank you all for your concerns.
Please don’t worry, I’m still here and managing to muddle through day by day. Dealing with all the practical problems that death brings has kept me busy, which is probably a good thing, although some officials have been a nightmare. The funeral was held on my birthday and I believe I organised the service that my Mother would have wanted.
I must apologise for being so weak and pathetic earlier. I’ve been through enough in my lifetime which should have enabled me to deal with things better than I did. I suppose writing how I felt at that time must have helped in a strange way, but I do apologise for causing any alarm to you. As I said, I should have coped in a better fashion than I did.
Anyway, I’m still standing, the last of my line, so I guess that’s one thing I’ve got in common with Elizabeth!
Come 2013 I hope to get back into things more fully (I don’t pretend it will be easy), so be prepared for some more of my arguments and my stands for historical fiction (just when you thought it was safe!).
Once again, thank you all and I look forward to our future debates in 2013.
Sweetheart, you aren’t weak or pathetic you are Human, you’ve been through a hell of a shock. Losing a loved one always makes you feel vunrable, but you aren’t on your own, and we are all thinking of you. Things over time will get easier for you. I’m sure your mum is smiling at you from above and thinking what a wonderful son you are. You have and built some wonderful memories together and no one can take those from you and your mum will forever live in your heart and mind and a warm and loving heart is a good place it is too. I look forward to reading your posts.
If you ever feel like having a rant and a rave or just to chat feel free to Email me.
Semper Fidelis, quod sum quod
6:04 pm
February 24, 2010
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Neil, it is good to hear from you. We are looking forward to your future postings. I’m glad to hear that what you wrote here helped you. Anytime you feel down just blast away. We are all thinking of you and missing you.
